In my imagination was always the picture of the loving family, of parents who love you just the way you are, who support you when you fall, who see and connect to you, who make an effort to understand you, who give you the feeling of belonging.
It was only an idealistic picture, non of this was true but it was with me for such a long time.
Even in my twenties I couldn’t accept that I was raised in a climate of disconnection, depression, loneliness, stress, pressure and emotional coldness.
Perfectionism was my escape, the illusion to get this feeling of warmth, love, connection, compassion and belonging when I do everything perfectly, when I meet the expectations, when I play by the rules, when I play a role that I don’t want to be.
Perfectionism was my response to the lack of love and connection, to the trauma of being disconnected from the loving safety net, disconnected from the feeling of belonging and feeling home not only within a family but also within myself.
Perfectionism is not only a trauma response but also in itself a disconnection from your heart and authentic self.
It puts you in a vicious cycle of disconnection and this behavior creates also a trauma in your body because of the constant stress you are in.
Perfectionism was a way to compensate the feelings I so desperately craved for: love, connection, belonging, feeling seen and understood.
I had to learn to accept that I wouldn’t get this within my family or in other relationships.
I had to learn to acknowledge that I had experienced trauma.
I had to learn to feel safe even if I fail, if I make mistakes.
I had to learn to love myself and to find connection, love and belonging
within my heart.
Whenever I’m in the ocean I feel accepted, I feel whole, I feel safe carried by the waves,
I feel connected to my heart, to the love that is within me and can’t be broken or traumatized.
Whenever I’m in the ocean I feel that I can be myself, my heart opens up to the horizon, to freedom.
This feeling of freedom and connection at the same time, the connection to my heart brings the ocean to me with every wave.
In the ocean I feel home.
The ocean heals my past and let me know that I’m perfect just the way I am.